Team Es has really been holding me up over the last five months, but the last two weeks in particular have been especially rallying times for the team to get together, to have the hard conversations, to help me get help, to say, You can make it through this day, and in Chris' case, to email me a Louis CK video (among a million other things). These are the days when talking about doing outpatient hospitalization instead of "doing Christmas" happens; these are the days when I cry and it doesn't feel good; these are the days when I have to go to the doctors five times in one week and act like it ain't no thang while stuff wraps up at work, and I get to hear, Thanks for all of your hard work. I had bloodwork done on Friday and the mood stabilizer that's been keeping me mostly okay for the last ten years is supposed to be between 50 and 150 to be therapeutic. The bloodwork has indicated that I'm at the merry old number of 38, and at least gives me an explanation as to why, as I joke, the meatloaf tastes like ash.
If you're reading this and you're a member of Team Esmé, I just wanna say that you're amazing, really and truly amazing, and I am so grateful for you, during a holiday season when it's important to remember how good I've got it, and how much people give.