This is about wanting something very badly.
This is about wanting something so badly that I wished on every star, held my breath through every tunnel, and blew out the candles of my recurring birthdays while that wish did not come true. And then, while browsing at a boutique with my mum a year ago, purchasing a handmade wish bracelet, to be tied tightly around my wrist; when the bracelet fell off on its own, I was told, my wish would come true.
Months went by, and the string of my bracelet slackened. Its threads warped in the shower. It snagged on my bracelets. It always looked like it was going to come off soon. Soon, I told myself. Soon, it will come off, and soon, what I want so incredibly badly is going to happen.
I had a Tarot reading two days ago. The woman asked me if I had a specific question, and I did. I asked about the circumstances surrounding my wish.
My Past card was about decision-making in perilous times. My Present card was about flow and harmony. My Future cards predicted wealth and prosperity — the Four of Wands and the Ten of Pentacles.
The only problem was that the Present was being blocked by a card I’d never seen before: The Devil.
The goat-Devil looked up at me, flaming hooves and all.
“This is the trouble,” said the reader. “Something is blocking… all of the good things. So many good things are coming to you, but this–” and here she tapped the Devil card “–is something that you need to figure out.”
I knew what it was. It was this wish that I’d been carrying around with me, souring me every time I thought of it — its unfulfilled promise, and my profound hope that it would let me go by coming true. I had not been able to let go of it. I had tried. I had performed rituals, and refrained from making calls and writing emails; I had done all of the superficial things that would seem to indicate that I was ready to move on.
So today, after taking a shower, I stood fresh and clean and tore off the bracelet. The little red stone flew; the string snapped with a tug. The wish bracelet, my manacle, my protector, was no longer with me. And I’ve been wanting to cry, and simultaneously feeling relieved, ever since.
People are signing up for Rawness of Remembering: Restorative Journaling Through Difficult Times, and I love the names that are showing up on the class roster. I write them down carefully in my notebook. Add your moniker to that list by visiting this page. And if you’re not going through a difficult time, or can’t be with us on this particular voyage, I would be quite grateful if you would pass the link on to someone that you think might be ready to join us. I’m also happy to do any interviews or guest posts about restorative journaling (and related topics) during this month of September — email me if you’re interested!