MAY 12, 2013 :: 8:09 AM
My ability to communicate is slowly coming back, but the delusions and fears are still there. I still wake up afraid that the dog and the man -- but especially the dog -- are not the ones I know; I am afraid that I have been transformed into someone who is not the real woman, but a figment. The house also is a figment; the streets are filled with figments. I wake up at five, go on walks with my camera. To anchor myself in even the slightest bit I take pictures. I use Polaroids because the images come straightaway in my hands, and I can hold them. I see colorful colanders. I ask the man who owns the restaurant if I can photograph them. He says yes. I snap the photograph and minutes later, the colanders appear. They are evidence. I go home and show the photograph, yes, what a nice shot. I order more film because even though I am over budget for film this month I need to ground myself to keep the fear at bay.
One part of my brain knows how to do things. The lizard brain knows how to make coffee and get dressed. The other brain is smothering the lizard brain, tries to confuse it, says, "What is this room? What are clothes?" It looks at images and cannot make sense of them. Yes, this mishmash of things -- the lizard brain responds. I went to the optometrist yesterday. They asked for my phone number and the lizard brain said the number, but I did not know what a phone number was or what the numbers meant.
I chronicle this so that I will remember later.
A baseball stuck in a fence. A beautiful thing. Today is Mother's Day, but I gave my mother her present yesterday, because in Taiwan everything is a day earlier. I made her cry, but in a good way. A beautiful thing. A beautiful thing.